- I resolve to arrive at Mass early.Read the rest here
- Before arriving for Mass, I resolve to turn off my cell phone, or put it on “vibrate.”
- I resolve to go to the bathroom before I leave home, so I don’t have to stand in line outside the restroom for most of Mass, hopping from foot to foot.
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| St. Joseph, Patron of the Universal Church |
50 Reasons to be Catholic
1. We are not emergent, we are eternal
2. We have Cardinal Zen
3. And Cardinal Sin
4. We are not liberal, we love our neighbour
5. We do not use the words ‘clown’ and ‘eucharist’ in the same sentence
6. We are not conservative, we look to God alone
7. Bells….bells….and more bells
8. We have a cloistered nun as the patron saint of missionaries (St Therese de Lisieux)
9. Announcements of our faith halt the conversation at dinner parties
10. The only religion responsible for the smallest nation state
11. We have confession – much cheaper than a psychologist
12. We have the Swiss Guards and their uniforms
13. Catholic morality gives politicians headaches
14. Ash Wednesday can’t be exploited by McDonalds or the greetings card industry
15. Our liturgy gives Freemasons indigestion
16. St Jerome is the patron saint of anger – hope for us all
17. Because when you have tacky statues etc you know you must be in the one true Church
18. We know what cherubim and seraphim are
19. Palestrina
20. St Lawrence (while being burnt to death – “turn me over; I’m done on this side”)
21. Incense smells better than cigar smoke
22. The litany of saints has the best names for your children
23. People do not tour Europe looking at great Protestant Cathedrals do they?
24. We love beauty, ritual and ceremony and are proud of it
25. The Latin Mass is the same the world over
26. Candles
27. If you become a saint parts of your body may become relics
28. We use phrases such as ‘supernatural existential’, ‘diochronicity’ and ‘the hermeneutic of continuity’
29. Mystery is more than a section in the local library
30. We have blessings and Masses to cope with plagues of frogs, illnesses, heresy etc etc
31. We say the black and do the red
32. We don’t call our priests ‘Jim’ or ‘Eric’
33. We have a St Bobo, St Bean and St Quadragesimus
34. Pope Benedict XVI
35. St Paul who said: ‘a little wine for thy stomach’s sake’
36. Orange is not a liturgical colour in the Catholic Church
37. No other denomination buries statues or prays in order to sell a house
38. Fish is good for you
39. We use a dead language and don’t give a damn!
40. No hand puppets, tambourines, clowns, guitars or dancing allowed in the liturgy
41. No crèches in Church, infants stay with us for Mass
42. If you are shy you can be a contemplative
43. We believe that a state of Grace is a condition of the soul, not part of the USA
44. Our religious orders pray during both the night and the day
45. With Our Lady and St Michael, no demons can touch us
46. Thuribles
47. Vestments that look as though they are intended for the worship of God, not as if they were the work of demented seamstresses high on drugs
48. A liturgy that does not patronise
49. The blessing of the throats (February 3nd)
50. Angels
The Seminarian’s SongAnd in the chance you are not familiar with the tune here is the original for your viewing and listening pleasure:
To the Tune of the Major-General’s Song from The Pirates of Penzance
I am the very model of Catholic seminarian
I’ve information pastoral, canonical, and Marian,
I know the Popes of Avignon and Councils Ecumenical
From Nicaea to Vatican plus gatherings heretical.
I’m very well acquainted too with matters homiletical,
I’ll write a pretty sermon that is eloquent yet practical,
About soteriology I’m teeming with a lot o’ news…
Such as salvation history’s relation to the modern Jews.
I’m very open minded, I have Sunday lunch with Protestants,
I teach them our Church History and sing it in Gregorian Chants,
In short in matters pastoral, canonical, and Marian,
I am the very model of a Catholic seminarian.
I know my ancient languages, some Latin, Greek, and Hebrew too;
I’m smart as a Dominican, I write for The Thomist review,
I quote Thomas Aquinas and I know the Summa all by heart,
I know the arguments for God from Anselm to Rene Descartes;
I am an expert without doubt in all matters liturgical,
I’ll see the rubrics carried out in fashion demiurgical!
I can intone polyphony from every epoch, school and rank…
And sing all of the arias composed by Mister Cesare Franck.
Then I can run a bingo or a bake sale in the Parish Hall,
And sell spaghetti supper tickets at the local shopping mall:
In short, in matters pastoral, canonical, and Marian,
I am the very model of a Catholic seminarian.
In fact, when I know what is meant by “Molinist” and “Arian,”
When I can rise above the title of Popish sectarian,
When such affairs as wakes and confirmations I’m more wary at,
And when each sort of imperfection, sin, and fault I can combat;
When I have learnt the progress of von Balthasar’s theology,
Converted every member of the Church of Scientology—
In short, when I’ve a smattering of basic Catholicity—
They’ll say that I’m a cleric full of goodness and simplicity.
And though my Bishop is impressed by my enormous panurgy,
The man is rather wary at my love for Latin Liturgy,
But still in matters pastoral, canonical, and Marian,
I am the very model a Catholic seminarian.
#3. You know you are really Catholic if…That would be me ;-)
you want to send your kids to Steubenville.
You know you are an über Catholic if…
you want to live in Steubenville.
- you've accidentally genuflected at a place other than church ex. the movie theatre, school auditorium
-you're sick of being asked why priests can't be married
-you have a "favorite" religious order
-you say the meal prayer no matter where you are
-you have a nativity set at your house during Christmas, and have also played with it.
-you've accidentally made the sign of the cross when leaving regular buildings (Note from Esther: actually I cross myself when I pass the bank or the library)
-you know that advent is the beginning of the new church year.
-You know at least five people named Mary
-You can name off all the Joyful, Glorious, Sorrowful, and Luminous mysteries.
-one or more of your friends entered the seminary or the convent
-you have 20+ cousins.
-your mom is currently pregnant
-you and your spouse practice NFP
-you believe in Purgatory and know it's important to pray for the souls who are currently in Purgatory
-you live chastity and are saving yourself for your future spouse.
-you're able to sit still for a full hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament
-you are discerning the religious life
-you often end disputes with, "Let's look it up in the Catechism."
-you and your friends have shown up at Adoration at 4:00 in the morning
-when watching star wars and hear "may the force be with you" you respond with "and also with you"
-your mom always says "4 kids, Catholic" (Thanks to Jim Benedick)
-you have participated in sword fights using Palms on Passion Sunday
-you and friend friends ever played "Mass" instead of House, or Cops and Bad Guys
-You have your own designated seat at Mass
-they know you at every Catholic bookstore in the area, and ask you where you’ve been if you haven’t stopped by in a while.
-you're named after a saint, not a family member.
-you get excited about going to mass
-you arrive at Mass half an hour early to get a good seat and talk to Jesus
-your mom always makes sure to celebrate your feast day
-altar serving was the cool thing to do
-you point at your friends in line for confession calling them sinners and everyone laughs as you get to the end of line
-Your teachers grade you down when you write papers about moral issues and papers involving God
-You never eat before church, and brunch afterwards is always the best! (Thanks to Larry Perez)
-Your first serious conversation you have with a potential girl/boyfriend involves your conversion story
-You lie awake at night wondering why the St. Michael Prayer was removed from the end of Mass
-The word "vocation" to you does not simply mean "job"
-People tend you look in your direction in class whenever anything involving religion comes up
-You have a Rosary or Saint Christopher pin in your car
-One of your Crucifixes has five years worth of dried out palms stuck behind it.
-You have more than one Rosary hanging from your bed.
-You have contemplated being in a religious order at least once.
-you say "God bless you" anytime anyone sneezes, out of habit
-you have had multiple meetings with the priest at your own will
-You had competitions with your friends on Ash Wednesday to see who could keep their ashes on the longest
-You still write "Your Kingdom Come!" or "JMJ" at the top of your page/letter/report/test
-You know that some Catholics don't eat meat on Wednesdays or Fridays, even not during Lent.
-you get really excited over a holy day of obligation
-if you are tired of people referring to the birth of Jesus the immaculate conception
-you've ever been told my your mom, "Offer it up", and then felt very obliged to do so
-when discussing possible names for your future children with friends or your future spouse, you start ruling out names that aren't virtues, saints, or biblical
-You plan what to wear based on the liturgical color of the day
-you were disappointed when you couldn't find a catholic version of trivia pursuit
-You know that "prostrate" is not a place where men develop cancer
-Instead of change, you find a rosary under your couch cushions.
-you have at one point had to stop a younger sibling from playing in the holy water font.
You have had a pet blessed. Your pet even got a St. Francis Medal. Well, you did, but you still consider it *her* medal.You'll have to visit her blog for the rest. They are funny!
Picture source: AciPrensa
